Coping with grief, domestic violence makes season less than festive

By Rhonda Westfall

Behind the twinkling holiday lights, misery and sadness lurks in the shadows casting a pall on what is supposed to be the most joyful time of year.

Nightly television news brings pictures into our homes of mudslides and devastation in Venezuela, the horror of war in the Russian republic of Chechnya, and fears of potential terrorist acts - even within our own nation's borders.

While no natural or man-made tragedy appears imminent in our local community, a sense of despair and even desperation is as common among persons living in Clinton County as it is for less fortunate fellow human beings around the globe.

Grief at the loss of a loved one, domestic violence, alcohol abuse, and other issues make this time of year especially difficult for many area residents.

"Holidays are a time when people think of families - unfortunately, there is violence in families in Clinton County," says Catherine Talbert, executive director of RAVE for Clinton and Shiawassee counties.

The facts speak for themselves: RAVE staff and volunteers dealt with 1,218 calls on the Crisis Hotline from January through November of this year, and served 111 clients.

A desire for 'perfect family' gatherings often exacerbates already volatile situations during the holidays, Talbert says.

"People have such high expectations of what the holiday season should be like," she says, noting that even in healthy families those expectations may be unachievable. "We, as Americans want our holidays to be perfect.

"For families that are not healthy due to domestic violence, the holidays can be particularly stressful."

While the circumstances are dissimilar, the result is often the same for individuals and families who are coping with the death of a loved one. The sense of loss is heightened at this time of year - when family gatherings can trigger memories of someone who is no longer part of the festivities.

"There's often a sense of loss and abandonment," says Sue Parker, coordinator of volunteer services for Hospice of Clinton County, adding that in an effort to make the holiday season appear 'normal,' well-meaning individuals often take an approach opposite of what is most beneficial to persons dealing with issues of bereavement.

"The saddest thing, I think, is not to have other people acknowledge the person who has died - not to remember that a significant change has taken place in the bereaved person's life.

"Every tear that is shed is a healing thing - it brings us closer to healing."

Parker suggests that friends of persons who are coping with the loss of a loved one provide support and encouragement. Such gestures can be extremely simple, she says.

"Just put a hand on their shoulder and let them know you're thinking of them. Acknowledging their pain and loss allows them to open up - often, you won’t have to say anything else; they'll do the talking, and all you have to do is listen."

Hospice services offers the following tips for persons dealing with bereavement.

• Realize that this is new holiday, unlike the holidays of the past. While it is natural to review fond memories, also try to focus on celebrating this new holiday.
• Do what you are comfortable doing.
• Re-establish old friendships.
• Try to make other people happy.

Taking a proactive approach is also recommended for persons who are targets of domestic violence, even though they most often opt to stay in the abusive situation through the holiday season.

"For the sake of the family, battered women will often stay in those relationships through the holidays," Talbert says, adding that although they may not physically leave their homes and seek shelter elsewhere, calls to the Crisis Hotline increase dramatically during the holiday season.

"First and foremost, we try to talk to them about safety and encourage them to develop a plan for themselves and their children."

That proactive approach could include:

• Beginning to save money - putting small amounts of funds aside a little at a time.
• Obtaining children's' medical records and putting them in a safe place.
• Developing signals with a friend or neighbor in case of an emergency - such as leaving a light on, or turning it off.
• Having an extra set of car keys readily available.

The RAVE Crisis Hotline, 224-RAVE, is staffed with trained workers 24 hours a day, seven days a week - including the holidays.

"We never close our door - domestic violence doesn’t just happen from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday," Talbert says. "There's always somebody available on the crisis line."

For persons dealing with the loss of a loved one, Parker provides a comparable 'round-the-clock' helping hand - lent by the deceased individual themselves.

"People stay with us - they continue to touch our lives in our daily experiences," she says, adding a closing thought from Ted Menten, an author whose works on grieving and loss are well known.

"Menton says, 'The only death is to be forgotten.'

"It's important to acknowledge the absence of loved ones."