Hamburgers, getting taller, and protesting our government’s actions

by Barry Bauer

Almost everybody likes a good juicy hamburger including me. It tastes better cooked on the grill instead of in a frying pan so that it isn’t floating around in grease. Well, I have a recipe for making a ¼ pound hamburger that you’re going to like.

First I take ½ pound of ground chuck. That’s right, ½ pound. It doesn’t matter what fat to meat ratio it has; you still end up with a lot of grease in the frying pan or in the bottom of the grill. That’s why they put those grease trays in grills nowadays.

Come to think of it mine is about half full and needs cleaning.

I learned how to make a hamburger patty from none other than Rachael Ray. She makes the best looking hamburgers I’ve ever seen. She forms the patties and dimples the center all at the same time. Before that I’d make what I thought was a huge patty and when it was done cooking it was about the diameter of a 50¢ piece and close to 3″ thick. They don’t make buns to fit these burgers. If it weren’t for that I would have opened a diner years ago specializing in strange looking hamburgers. It takes me a while to learn these things. Recently I finally learned how to rip off a piece of plastic wrap without wadding it up.

Rachael is more like a short order cook and definitely not a chef. A true blue chef wouldn’t touch hamburger with a ten-foot pole.

Anyway, I like to finely chop up a slice of onion (yellow, not red) and mix it in the ground chuck along with salt and pepper. At my age it’s heavy on the pepper. Then I put it on the grill making sure my trusty spray bottle has some hot water in it for dousing those flare-ups. I don’t use cold water because I don’t want to warp anything in there.

These grills don’t come cheap.

Put lots of Ketchup and Mustard on the burger in the bun, and brace yourself for a treat.

* * *

I’ve noticed some changes to my body the last few years that I attribute to getting taller. I know that seems far-fetched, but check out the evidence.

I’m hitting my head on my truck door opening when I get out. I never used to do that, and how come I have to bend way over just to get in? It now takes me longer to get out of my La-Z-Boy chair which I think means there’s more of me to lift up. Never mind my old man’s paunch. As for tying or untying my shoes, it definitely takes longer to bend down and straighten up again

I rest my case.

Now when I’m asked for my height, I simply tell them I’m 6’ 9″. It makes sense to me and explains what’s going on.

At least to me.

* * *

I recently got on Facebook because a friend invited me to. It’s kind of neat to be able to see what family and friends are thinking. I got one posting from an acquaintance that I didn’t like. I was halfway through reading it when I came face to face with the mother of all four-letter cuss words. I’m noted for having my own cuss book, but I try to keep it private. This thing was right smack dab there where my daughters and grandkids could see it. I looked around for a delete button and only found one called hide. I don’t know where they hide it — maybe it’s in my closet.

I like to say that’s the end of that, but no doubt it’ll happen again.

[Now follow Barry on Facebook.]

* * *

Our government sits idly by while companies are cutting jobs, wages, and eliminating the benefits of the middle class; and they’re wondering where the government’s revenues went. On the other hand they say they can’t (more like won’t) do anything about the outrageous bonuses being handed out by Wall Street companies to their employees that total billions of dollars.

It’s time in this country for the common people to say enough already, and they’re finally starting to do that.

Recent town hall meetings have turned into shouting matches over the proposed health care bill going through Congress right now. It’s happening to both Democrats and Republican members of Congress and rightfully so.

The Democrats are blaming it on the thugs representing the Republican Party and are beginning to turn their so-called town hall meetings into an invitation-only event or as I call it, the friends of the senator or representative meeting. Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow did just that in the last public meeting she held, and I expect the Republicans will also be doing it.

The last I knew these so-called thugs and any other people who disrupt meetings with their concerns were called constituents.

Until the next time . . .

Sunday funnies, something stinks, and dumb stuff

by Barry Bauer

Is anybody out there keeping track of how many times Dagwood Bumstead ran into his mailman, Mr. Beasley, while running out of the house because he was late for work?

Sunday’s funnies showed Dagwood blind-siding Mr. Beasley twice and the last frame of the cartoon showed him running back to the house again for something else he forgot. That only meant one thing, another collision was about to happen.

Just wondering.

* * *

Something stinks in Washington again. The one program coming out of the government’s Stimulus package that would help the environment and the auto industry is running out of money. The “Cash for Clunkers” program is about to go through the same thing the coupons for digital TV converter box program went through. Both programs were under funded. Apparently nobody in Washington has a finger on the needs of the nation.

Don’t look for that to change.

And these guys want to tackle health care insurance coverage for everyone. No doubt they’re underestimating the cost of this. We’re going to need help in this country when they get done with us.

The stimulus program is also giving money to universities to study whatever it is that they know nothing about and if they did, it wouldn’t benefit anybody anyway.

They apparently over funded their buddies in the banking business. Now they’re talking about Citibank giving out millions of bonus dollars for a job that was obviously poorly done.

Can we all say pork barrel together?

* * *

Talk about dumb, I wouldn’t be surprise if Congress convened a House or Senate committee to investigate the death of Michael Jackson. Not that it means anything to a nation that’s going through tough times. If they did, it’s probably because they’re interested in hearing about those juicy little tidbits about Jackson’s life. As usual, Congress has their priorities all screwed up and this would fit right in.

Quite frankly, none of Jackson’s life interests me.

* * *

There are two things in the news that bothers me. First was the “Beer Summit.” The incident that resulted in the Beer Summit was reminiscent of the Duke Lacrosse team and three players who were accused of rape. People ran with their idea of what happened in Cambridge. Even when the public doesn’t really know what took place.

The Beer Summit was good for publicity and made it look like the President made it all better.

I’m betting that when the facts come out, both sides in the Cambridge incident were equally at fault.

Then we had the 7-year old Utah boy who drove off with the family car because he didn’t want to go to church. Most kids would just fake being sick.

So what part really bothered me? The Today Show had the boy on and made him look like some kind of Huckleberry Finn. The truth is somebody could have been injured or killed by the boy’s actions. Thankfully nobody was.

It shouldn’t have been glorified.

Until the next time . . .

Today’s clothes, Cambridge, and the rascal

by Barry Bauer

I went shopping for a couple of pair of shorts last week. Where else but a big box store, home of foreign made products? I didn’t find too many brand names to choose from; but in this global economy, what difference would it have made? I don’t think I could have gone to a more exclusive store and found anything different other than the price.

Shopping for clothes is difficult because if you want to buy summer clothes, they’re out in the winter and spring. And when shopping for winter clothes, you’d better do it in the summer and fall. Swimming trunks used to be impossible to buy in the summer. We’re told, sorry; we’re getting our fall stuff in now.

I picked out two pairs of shorts and checked out.

When I wore one them for the first time, one thing struck me dumb. Both back pocket flaps were sewn down on the butt crack side of the pockets. I had a hell of a time getting my wallet and handkerchief in. I needed a forehead mounted rear view mirror to see what was going on.

Betty had to make an alteration to them by ripping the threads out with one of those seam rippers. So that’s why these shorts were cheaper; they need to be altered by the buyer to be usable. The shorts are way too long to suit Betty because they’re designed for the younger guys and not old geezers like me. I suppose they and not me dictate what the designs of clothing will be.

I just need something to cover up with but I do require pockets.

I’m not concerned with how long they are. I don’t have the legs to show off anyway. Betty made this pair of cheap shorts usable.

The first time she washed them, the one and only back pocket button fell off in the clothes basket. That meant more repairs to these brand new foreign made (Vietnam this time) shorts. I just hope that the back seam doesn’t rip out while I’m bending over. That’s not good. On top of that, those embarrassing moments almost never happen in private.

* * *

President Obama would be better advised and look more Presidential if he had withheld his opinion on the Cambridge incident involving a Harvard Professor. We don’t know all the facts, and I don’t think he does either. He took one fact, Professor Gates is black, and ran with it.

I want to know why the two women who were involved in the 911 call didn’t recognize the Professor. They’re supposedly neighbors, but they must live on the outskirts of the neighborhood not to recognize one of their neighbors. Glad I don’t live in their neighborhood — I’d be in jail.

I also want to know why there was a confrontation followed by the arrest of the Professor. Was the other guy with him arrested too?

I’m well aware that racism in any form is a federal crime, but shouldn’t President Obama let his Attorney General handle the matter after the local authorities have had their chance to get to the bottom of it?

* * *

I finished reading My War by Andy Rooney, and I really enjoyed it. I have to tell about an incident in the book that caused me to bust out laughing.

Andy belonged to a Field Artillery crew stationed in England. His job was to drive the heavy truck that hauled a 155 Howitzer gun and he was also the bag man. He would drive the gun and its crew to a selected position on the target range and park it. The truck was parked away from the gun. His second job (bag man) was to put the number of bags of powder called for by the Lieutenant on the table behind the gun crew. They loaded a three foot long shell and the bags on the table.

Andy didn’t like this Lieutenant because he had turned down Andy’s application to Officer Candidate School. His Lieutenant was one of four lieutenants vying for a promotion to captain that day. The crew also needed to practice firing the gun before they crossed the English Channel on D-Day and entered the ground war in France.

The Lieutenant’s job was to call out the elevation, range, and number of bags of powder he wanted. He barked out the orders for the first shot that included five bags of powder. Andy only put four on the table and nobody noticed. The shell fell way short of the target.

The Lieutenant barked out his orders again; only this time he ask for six bags of powder so Andy put seven bags on the table. Nobody noticed again.

The shell flew ¼ mile past the target.

Needless to say the Lieutenant didn’t get his promotion that day, but Andy got his revenge. I’m telling you folks, that Andy is a rascal.

I just started reading WLT by Garrison Keillor, a book about a radio station. I can tell right now that it’s going to be a funny book.

Until the next time . . .

Heath Care, a mouse, and my rules of photography

by Barry Bauer

My hanging tomato plant has finally figured out the meaning of life.

* * *

No matter what the government does with Health Care – it won’t be right.

Why?

Heath Care lobbyists carry more weight with members of Congress than the American people do. The members of Congress have more to gain from lobbyists’ money and favors than they’ll get from our undying gratitude for a job well done. That counts for nothing anymore.

Don’t look at me – I didn’t invent the game.

President Obama claims this new program will help reduce costs. When is the last time the government was involved in anyting that reduced costs? Didn’t they pay outrages prices for hammers and toilet seats for the military a few years back?

What should happen, but never will, is that the government should look at where the Health Care dollars are going now. Some of it goes to their buddies, some goes to Illegal Aliens, some goes to the Insurance Companies, and some goes to Wall Street.

And what can we do about all these lawsuits? They add billions to the cost of Health Care.

If the government is going to attempt to correct anything, maybe they should appoint a Health Czar totally independent of any of the factors listed above and give him or her a percentage of the money they can save. I don’t care if it’s a billion dollars. That’s cheap in today’s world when we’re spending trillions of dollars. First of all, make sure he or she is up to date on their taxes. That will indicate something to us right there.

This is not my original idea; I stole it from my F.M. buddy, Stan Wassa.

Keep in mind; these elitist people (our government) have retirement and health benefits we’re not privileged to have. The question is, if what they’re proposing for us is so damn good, then why isn’t it good enough for them?

* * *

What’s with mice nowadays?

We had a small mouse problem in the garage and garden shed, and to combat that we got some D-Con. We haven’t seen a mouse in a long time, and we can only assume that the stuff is working. Calm down, kids; none of them were Mickey.

Then we were faced with a mystery.

I have a shelving unit full of old cigar boxes that contain those things I might need someday only someday very seldom comes. It’s a rare occasion that I have to get something from them I can use.

That rare occasion happened the other day, but what I found on top of the box is puzzling. There was shelled corn (which we have to feed the squirrels and birds) and a pile of those little chewy bluish pellets from the D-Con box.

So what kind of a smart aleck (I can’t find my cuss book) mouse had enough sense to hide this stuff?

Damned if I know; but if that one survived eating a few of these pellets, maybe you should be on the lookout for it too.

* * *

I’ve come up with a few rules to follow when taking pictures.

1. Pay attention to what’s in the background. You don’t want a tree or one of those dreaded pair of Rabbit Ears growing out of the subject’s head.

2. Don’t take landscape pictures in town unless you just want pictures of the buildings. People want to see the people in the photo and not a bunch of unrecognizable dots in a photo, so get a little closer to your work. If the reason you don’t is because you have bad breath, take a few mints with you. I do.

3. Don’t take pictures of some poor sleeping adult unless they have a Bald Eagle perched on their nose.

4. Do take pictures of babies. They make cute photos, and the mothers will love you.

5. Don’t take pictures of sunrises or sunsets. That is the most photographed scene in the world, and nobody’s interested in seeing one more of them. You’re wasting your time. You might better show off your baby pictures. They’ve got to be more interesting.

6. Try to be original. If you want to take a picture of that cute little toe ring on your foot, go ahead; but I was talking original. Look around, everybody’s wearing them.

7. And finally, don’t take pictures of me. A photo isn’t going to change what you see in real life.

Do I follow every one of these rules? Hell, no! That’s why I own a copy of Photoshop Elements 5.0.

Until the next time . . .

by Barry Bauer

Am I the only one being driven nuts when that guy on those Rose City Motors commercials pronounces the word vehicle like he just hiccupped in the middle of it? Most people I know pronounce it veh-i-cle and he says ve-hic-le.

Just wondering.

* * *

There was an episode on Twilight Zone first broadcast on Nov. 17, 1961 called, “The Midnight Sun.”

We find the actors suffering from the heat as the Earth has slowly fallen out of its elliptical orbit and is heading towards the Sun. At the end of the show we find out that’s all a woman’s nightmare and the Earth is actually moving away from the Sun and it’s getting colder and colder.

Why do I bring that up?

I heard on the radio the other day that a group of scientists are studying Global Cooling.

Huh?

Scientists today can’t figure out Aids or Cancer but they think they know what happened on Earth 14,000 years ago. That’s when they say glaciers started retreating from Michigan. I don’t think any activities of the human race back then had anything to do with that.

14,000 years ago it probably wasn’t recorded that somebody said, “Hey, you guys over there, put that campfire out, you’re polluting the air!”

Nowadays we have Al Gore running around pulling his hair yelling, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” Of course he’s talking about Global Warming. Isn’t he the guy who claimed to have invented the Internet?

I don’t know much about Global Warming. All I know is that the nights are sure cool, and the month of July hasn’t been the steamer its reputation says it is.

Right now I’m leaning towards Global Cooling. How else do I explain those cool nights in case somebody should ask?

Maybe we have crossed over into Twilight Zone.

* * *

My daughters continue to keep me supplied with books to read. The first one of the three I got lately was, “A Long Way From Home,” by Tom Brokaw. It’s the second book he’s written that I enjoyed reading.

I just finished, “Pontoon,” by Garrison Keillor. Although we’ve listen to his Lake Wobegon tapes, I’ve never read any of his books. I have four more on the shelf, and I’ll get into them some day soon. I was surprised, but I really enjoyed this book. It was mostly about two women, a mother and a daughter; and it shows what the daughter went through after her mother passed away.

It has plenty of Keillor’s humor in it.

My current book is, “My War,” by Andy Rooney. I’m not that far into it, but it’s classic Rooney. Can you imagine that he’s already used cuss words which leads me to believe I’m really going to like this book.

Andy Rooney would have made a terrible politician because he tells you what he thinks, and he doesn’t give a damn if you like it or not. On the other hand a true politician tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

It’s been my method to use the author’s voice when reading one of their books. For me it makes the book read even better because I like their voices. Now I’m wondering what the hell I’m going to do when I get a book and I don’t know what the author sounds like.

* * *

Our hanging tomato plants are still surviving but I think the race is over. Betty’s plant has four tomatoes with little ones coming on, and mine just sits over there not doing much of anything.

I can just imagine that my plant has asked her plant, “Blossoms are supposed to be yellow, right?

Maybe tomatoes don’t take to well to being fed beer.

Until the next time . . .

by Barry Bauer

I have an ingenious idea. Why don’t we ask our federal government to create the position of Ambassador to the United States? Maybe then they’ll pay some attention to us. I know it sounds kind of silly, but it’s an attempt to correct all the wrong that has happened to us over the last decade or two.

Maybe then they’ll start rebuilding the infrastructure in this country instead of overseas. Maybe then they’ll start putting money into schools here instead of overseas. Maybe then they will rebuild cities struck by disasters such as New Orleans. I know, it wasn’t bombed; but it was destroyed none the less. They’re probably feeling right now that if they were bombed, things would have been better. Maybe then our government will protect our industries like they do for other countries. Right now the biggest Communist country in the world owns us and has a totally one-sided trade agreement with us.

Maybe then we’ll have somebody in our federal government looking out for us.

What’s currently in place isn’t working, folks.

* * *

As if things in this World aren’t bad enough, now they tell me that the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster will cut back on eating cookies and start eating fruits and vegetables as well.

They say they’re trying to be more politically correct, and by adding fruits and vegetables it will address the problem of today’s obese children.

My reaction to this is Good Grief, where are the parents?

I lied a little bit. My actual reaction to this contained a lot of words from my cuss book.

* * *

I once met a man nick named Pickles. I don’t remember him by his given name. He was a cucumber farmer and also an Army recruit back in the 1920s. Pickles was a homely bachelor and to my knowledge never got married. Pickles looks can best be described as an Ichabod Crane type with a hairy nose. Not so much hair inside his nose as there was on his nose.

None the less, he was one of the nicest guys you’d ever meet those many years ago.

He had a run-in with his Sergeant who found him packing his duffle bag one day. He probably asked him where he thought he was going. Pickles replied, “I’m going home to pick my cucumbers.”

Needless to say his Sergeant talked him out of it, and Pickles probably spent some time on KP duty peeling potatoes.

They used to hold boxing matches at the camp, and Pickles and another recruit with a heavy Hungarian accent were usually paired up. The Hungarian used to tell Pickles, “Peekles, tonight I’m going to knock you cuckoo.”

I don’t remember who won their bouts, but I’m betting Pickles won a few of them.

* * *

I hate those damned keyless car entry remotes that we have dangling from our keychains. I know they’re helpful when we need to lock or unlock our car or pop the truck.

Ours has one of those horn buttons to help us locate our car in a huge parking lot and we can’t remember where we parked it. In over ten years of owning this car, that’s never happened. I’m constantly hitting the horn button when I reach into my pocket to get my keys. That causes the horn to go off in the garage, and it keeps going until we hit the button again to shut it off.

I think I can find our car in the garage all right without hearing that thing.

Now I’m also locking the car without knowing it; and if we need to put something in the car or take something out, we’d better remember to take our keys with us.

Why can’t they have a cancel button on these things so we can press it and stop the signals shortly after we park the car in the garage. That way we won’t be left asking the same old dumb question, “Who the hell’s honking that horn?”

When we need it to work, we can hit the pause button again. The key word there is need.

I want the patent for that idea.

Until the next time . . .

Heroes and our globalized federal government

by Barry Bauer

We have what can only be described as the strangest bag of heroes today.

When I was a youth my heroes were Al Kaline and Harvey Kuenn of the Detroit Tigers, Tobin Rote of the Detroit Lions, and of course, Ike. In later years it was Sen. Bobby Kennedy and Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions.

Were my heroes flawed? You can dig a hole clean to Hell and you won’t find any dirt on Al Kaline or Barry Sanders. Finding dirt on Harvey Kuenn and Tobin Rote is difficult, but I’m still searching.

As for Bobby Kennedy and General Eisenhower . . . both of them are purported to have had extra-marital affairs. Along came President Clinton and made us forget about them.

At my age I’m not looking for heroes anymore. I’m more about admiring some of the people I know.

The younger generation has to reach into that hero bag several times before they can find somebody that remotely qualifies. Modern day heroes are having a hell of a time keeping the wrinkles ironed out of their capes.

That’s where Michael Jackson comes in.

Although I liked some of his music, I didn’t like him. First of all, crotch grabbing on stage in front of millions of kids should be left to those athletes who get injured in that area.

Because it was Michael Jackson — it was accepted.

All of the rumors about him and young boys doesn’t set well with me either. There’s no way an adult man should be cuddling with young boys as was reported during those famous sleepovers. I blame the parents of those kids just as much as I blamed Michael. What were they thinking? It’s as if they gave up their sons for financial considerations.

He was acquitted of child molestation charges, but money did change hands. You can bet on that.

Because it was Michael Jackson — it was accepted.

The question inevitably comes up, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Of course it does! Michael Jackson made a lot of noise in the forest, and nobody wanted to listen.

Because it was Michael Jackson — it was accepted.

Will I miss Michael Jackson?

I think I’ve already answered that question.

* * *

The only government representatives that have any contact with their constituents are at the state level. They should know what’s going on because they’re out and about and hear our concerns.

It’s looking like we’ve lost our federal government to globalization. There’s a move afloat to give Social Security benefits to all those illegal aliens who are in this country now while cutting back on Medicare payments and Social Security cost of living raises to the citizens of this country. I can only guess that they (the politicians) see future voters. The illegals are a burden on our economy and health industry.

And California wonders why they’re going broke.

Our federal government is working hard at nation building in other countries (mostly those with oil) and at the same time allowing our government to slip away into abyss.

It’s like they’re saying, “You guys take care of yourselves while we’re out spending your money helping those poor people in the Middle East.”

What a bunch of phooey.

Until the next time . . .

Computer equipment upgrade, tomatoes, and the Freak

by Barry Bauer

I’ve been upgrading my computer system. I bought a 250GB portable hard drive about the size of a whiskey flask only much thinner and without a cap on the end. It’s meant for a laptop but can also be used on a desktop.

I have what seems like a gazillion photos on my computer, and they suck up memory like you wouldn’t believe. I’ll be able to off load them and still have them reasonably accessible.

I also have an OCR (Optical character recognition) program to help me read printed materials and put them in a format that Word understands. I can then edit them as I need. It saves on a lot of typing. I did 50 words a minute in high school, but I’ll bet that’s dropped a bit since then.

I’m trying to talk my son-in-law, Jake, into setting me up with their older laptop computer again with Windows 98 on it so I can load my software for the hand-held scanner I have. Then I can make a trip over to Dewitt to the Clinton County Historical Society building where there are a lot of books housed including old bound issues of the old Clinton County Republican News. There’s a lot of information to be gathered there, and it’s available to the public.

* * *

We just bought a new DVD/VCR player/recorder last month. It’s the second such device we’ve had. It comes in handy for converting old VHS tapes to DVDs. That way we won’t lose our visual memories.

Betty started noticing what sounded to her like a motor running. We finally tracked it down to our new video recorder. The damned thing vibrates. Obviously there’s something out of balance inside and one more thing in the house that Mr. Fix-it shouldn’t mess with.

I called the company, but they don’t get up until noon (at least it seems like it). I then sent an inquiry via e-mail, and they promise they’ll get back with me.

I don’t like the idea that the device will soon open one of its two doors (or both) and start shooting spinning things at me. I don’t type very well when I’m under fire.

I waited until late afternoon and didn’t get a reply back from them in my e-mail box, so I called them again. The tech support person, after listening to what we had wrong, asked me to remove the tape or DVD from the machine. We had both in it. When the tape was out, the machine kept vibrating; but when I took out the recently purchased DVD movie, it quit.

Problem solved. Apparently this particular DVD is out of round, and we found our receipt so it’s going back to the store.

Never throw away your receipts, at least for two months.

* * *

Betty’s hanging tomato plant is flourishing!

While mine is making some kind of move – finally. You’ll have to look closely to see these fuzzy little things called tomato blossoms.

These plants were both labeled, “patio tomatoes;” but other than reading they’re a smaller plant more suited for a container, I don’t know specifically what the tomato variety is.

What I do know about tomatoes is that they mature anywhere from 52 days to 100 days. I think we have that covered in our garden except to say that 100 days of growing time in Michigan is a stretch.

* * *

Because we import a lot of goods from China, we’re inundated with steel shipping containers. They look a lot like a semi-truck trailer without wheels. Apparently it’s not cost effective to ship empty containers back to them, and they don’t buy much from us to send back in them so the question came up. What should we do with them?

Enter good ol’ American ingenuity. They’re building homes out of these things. To see the finished, product we’d never guess what they were made out of.

I don’t suggest that we want more containers, but you know what they say. When life gives you lemons . . .

* * *

I first learned of a new golf ball, the “Freak,” last week. Somehow with my game, I felt it was fitting for me to buy some. I’ve been called “Boomer” before, amongst other things, on the golf course. That means on occasion, I can hit the long ball. I’ve only had one chance to hit this ball; and I pulled it left, just off the green. Not a bad place, but not the best either. Who wouldn’t like to land it a foot from the pin. I thought it had a soft feel, but that happens a lot whenever I hit the ball in the sweet spot.

It’s called, “click and gone.”

Other guys in the group didn’t agree with me that it was a soft ball. They do think that it’s the longest ball on the market right now. As Top-Flite even advertises, “You’ll impress them on the tee.” I love that.

The trouble is the money is made around and on the green, and not by how you got there.

Anyway, I bought a dozen balls and of course the only reason I buy Top-Flite balls is because they fit me, and they’re cheaper.

Look out golf fans, Boomer is coming with the Freak!

Until the next time . . .

Tobacco, tribes, and electricity

by Barry Bauer

Our government is suing the pants off the tobacco companies (and the people who use tobacco products have to pay for it) and at the same time we subsidize tobacco farmers. As I understand it, subsidies come into play when the market price for tobacco goes down. That means our government is keeping them afloat.

The tobacco farmers are also guaranteed relief when a crop failure occurs or if any other disaster should take place.

While marijuana is working its way out of the underground and becoming more acceptable, tobacco will someday be outlawed and go underground to take its place. The Governor of California has suggested that marijuana be legalized in his state. I think it has something to do with California going broke and needing another source of revenue.

They still don’t get it – people can grow this stuff in their basements. Just like homemade hooch. Are they planning on doing a door to door search to see who’s growing it and then send them a tax bill?

We’re having an awful time in this country regulating people’s behavior. We’d like a perfect society but it has a tremendous price, and it isn’t even possible in the first place. The government also needs revenues from that source to finance all the other things they’re trying to do that we really can’t afford in the first place.

The United States tried to legislate the drinking habits of its citizens during the Depression by enacting Prohibition. Two things happened. The booze flowed just as it always had, and the government was losing revenues and fast.

That ended that great adventure into legislating personal habits.

Does any of this make sense to you? Me neither.

* * *

We continue to break up into tribes in this country. It’s no longer simply said, “I am an American.” Nowadays some people need something more than that.

Today we have a Black-American President from the midwest tribe, an Irish-American Senator from the New England tribe. An ex-Governor, ex-cabinet appointee from the southwestern tribe. We have a large tribe, which has no boundaries, called Hispanic-Americans. They are comprised of a bunch of smaller tribes called Mexican-Americans, Cuban-Americans, Puerto Rican-Americans, Latin-Americans, etc, etc.

Me, I’m a German, Dutch, English, Irish, French, Native American-American. I’m so damned confused; I don’t even know what tribe to camp with.

Enough of this stuff already. I am an American – first and foremost.

* * *

I ran across my father-in-law’s voltage tester while putting things away in the garage. It goes all the way up to 550 volts. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. It makes me think of a 440 line with 110 pigtailed to it.

I always heard that a 110 line is more dangerous than a 440 line. I don’t even want to mess with 440 because maybe it’s an old wives tale and I won’t live to tell the story. My father-in-law, Ed Motz, wasn’t afraid of 110. When he got a jolt he always said it was good for him. He lived to be 87 so who was I to argue with him?

We’ve had a pair of new outside lights for our garage for some time now. Betty is fond of reminding me that we may have had them for nine years now – ouch! Needless to say, I decided to put them up.

I had some wiring problems. The north light would work but the south light wouldn’t. That didn’t make sense because we had lights up before, and they worked just fine. It must be that I didn’t make good connections, I thought.

I went back and re-did the connections and even pulled the switch out to see if that was okay. When I finished double checking everything, neither light would work. That’s when I pulled the switch out again and found two broken connections. I thought copper wire was softer than that and wouldn’t break. Apparently wiring is like plumbing, it’s better left alone. I remade the connection and I was back to just the north light working.

Betty was working with me; and that’s when she went over to the south light and asked the dreaded question. “Honey, isn’t this light supposed to be connected?”

Bingo!

We now have two new outside lights on our garage – and they work.

Keep in mind that I’m the guy who ran a power drill into a hot electrical wire behind the wall and had to repair that. And then another time I drove a nail into the baseboard in the kitchen that punctured a copper water supply line in the bathroom and had to repair that too.

I’m Clark Griswold at his finest.

Until the next time . . .

Gas grill, East Essex, and the hanging tomato plants

by Barry Bauer

I thought, in my youth, that I would try out for the high school track and field team. Pole vaulting looked easy enough, so I tried it. I roared down the track (for me it was roaring) with pole in hand. When it came time to plant the pole and sail off into the sky . . . I chickened out. All I could say to myself was, “What the hell am I doing here? I’m too young to die!”

That ended my career as a track and field star.

* * *

When I finished assembling our new outdoor gas grill (mostly without the instructions) I noticed two things. The plastic 3″ wheel covers on the two wheels stuck out an inch past the wheels and the burner igniter didn’t work. The last time I saw a wheel cover that far off the wheel it was about to pop off and take a rolling trip into the ditch.

I first tackled the wheels, doing one at a time of course; I took them off and reversed them. Son-of-a-gun, the wheel covers went on exactly like they should – flush. I then tackled the igniter. I read the instructions (a weird feeling) and it said the battery has to go in positive end out. I didn’t think I had to worry about polarity. Well, I had it in wrong; so I reversed it. Still there was no ignition. Some of these batteries included have been on a slow boat from southeast Asia for years (they had to stop and repair the sails) and have gone dead on the trip. That’s when I put one of my lithium camera batteries in. I turned on the gas and pushed the button; it roared to life just like a Shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral. As the spokesperson for NASA says, “We have ignition.”

Geez, that steak tasted especially good.

* * *

We drove out to the East Essex School expecting to see a crumbling old building. To my surprise it was a perfectly good building on the outside, and there’s no reason why the inside shouldn’t look as good. And of course it’s just like every taxpayer’s home in the St. Johns area; it needs occasional maintenance. We’ve seen at RBW how a lack of a fresh coat of paint and regular repairs can lead to an appearance that says the building should be abandoned and demolished.

After the new Middle School was approved and built, RBW all of a sudden came to life with the replacement of windows and other improvements. It’s now known as the Wilson Center, and there is a current drive to renovate the seats in the Auditorium. How many Auditoriums do we need in St. Johns?

I know, I know – somebody wants a community theatre there.

Despite all we were told in the past, RBW is alive and well. The class pictures, prior to the new St. Johns High School being built, still hang in the hallways.

Similarly, the East Essex school is slated to be closed by a school board’s decision that was less than professional. They keep talking about the physical size of the classrooms. That keeps me wondering. Do the kids who grow up in a great big two story multi-Gable house do better than they would if they lived in a smaller house? Based on that we should tear down half the houses in St. Johns to further our kid’s education?

Yeah – right.

It’s a matter of public record that there’s not going to be a school millage election in August, so the parents and staff at East Essex won’t have to worry about that. Beyond August, who knows? The parents’ main concern now is reversing the school board’s decision and getting their school back. I fully support them because the pros far outweigh the cons.

We need to single out those five school board members who voted for the closing and recall them. If we don’t, whose school will be next to close because of someone’s grandiose dream?

* * *

My friend is fond of telling me, “You must have been born on another planet.” She refers to the fact that I ask strange questions. Now I’m wondering, is it a figment of my imagination or was there a law at one time banning the window darkening film on vehicles? If I were a police officer, I wouldn’t approach any of these vehicles without my gun drawn. I don’t care if I was just parking the police car. You can’t see inside these damn things.

I hate it when they’re parked next to me because there goes my view of what’s coming at me. We have to creep out, ever so slowly, before we can see daylight again.

There ought to be a law against it.

* * *

Betty’s hanging tomato plant is doing very well. She now has four of the little buggers growing with more coming. I’m looking forward to fried green tomatoes thanks to her.

I’m not going to say anything about my lazy hanging plant.

Until the next time . . .

Obama’s speech, something dumb, and hanging tomato plants

by Barry Bauer

The Obama administration has announced new fuel economy standards for the auto industry. Almost immediately the price of gas jumped up at the pump, and it hasn’t stopped.

Does that mean that the Federal Government, Wall Street and Big Oil are working hand in hand to curtail our travels? I know the rest of the world is happy about this because misery loves company.

Just wondering.

* * *

President Obama is not too far away from being a very good speaker. Had he hired me as a well paid advisor, I would tell him two things. Move the two teleprompters closer to the center. The people sitting in the middle seats don’t think he’s talking to them. And quit pronouncing the last word in every sentence quickly and abruptly. The impressionists know that, and that’s why his voice is easily imitated. Coming from the Midwest, I don’t detect a Bostonian type accent. I would suggest to him that he make a mental note to end every sentence, only in his mind, with the word, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Let him try to pronounce that quickly, and where is my check?

* * *

Okay, I did something dumb. That’s kind of a shocker; at least I thought so. The last time I used the gas grill I thought I’d turned the propane tank off. Well, I didn’t. So the next time I used it I tried to turn it on again. It wouldn’t budge. Then I tried to close it – it wouldn’t budge that way either. The valve had frozen in place – open. I got a wrench out of the garage that would turn that tank inside out! The only thing it did was tear the white metal knob off the valve – oh-oh!

I was told by Tom Ladisky at Smith Oil that there is a secondary safety valve which will only open when the tank is connected to the grill. He advised me to take the nearly full tank home, use up the gas, and connect it when we use it, and then disconnect it afterwards.

When I need the tank refilled, I’ll also have to have a new valve installed. I guess it’s a cheap price to pay for furthering my education.

* * *

Our two tomato plants in the homemade hanging planter are still alive and well. There was a time when we weren’t sure. The stalk on Betty’s plant bent on her when we first planted them through the hole in the bucket. We both agreed we should re-do it and put the plants further into the bucket.

Roots will form on any portion of the stalk buried below ground; or in this case, inside the bucket.

While Betty’s plant has two tomatoes set so far as well a many blossoms coming on, mine is sitting 120 degrees away doing nothing. My plant is bigger, but what good does that do without any blossoms? Hers, having two tomatoes so far and counting, must be a woman thing.

I’m thinking about feeding my plant a can of beer. Do you suppose that will help?

Until the next time . . .

Wall Street, school board, and tomato hanger

by Barry Bauer

They’re at it again!

In 1929 Wall Street collapsed and took this country’s economy with it. We didn’t recover from that, despite all the things FDR tried, until World War II. It wasn’t fear we had to worry about; it was lack of good paying jobs. War brought us those jobs.

Sound familiar?

Now we have gasoline prices rising again not because of supply and not because of demand. It’s simply because of Wall Street speculators. They’re buying oil futures betting that the price of oil will be higher in the all-too-soon future. They’re jacking up the price of gas to meet their expectations and the demands of their wallets. Simply put, Wall Street is too damned greedy to serve this country anymore without some guide lines. It’s time to seriously regulate those guys. No more palsy-walsy stuff between them and our so called representatives in government.

By the way, why do they call it “futures” when what they’re doing affects the price of oil and its byproducts (gasoline) right now?

* * *

History has taught us that school boards retaliate after they lose a millage election. If it was an election because the school board is unable to meet the budget, they used to cut busing first because it directly affects the parents and makes them realize the error of their “no” vote. End results, a new millage vote passes.

The school board knows that.

If it’s for the school board’s grandiose dreams (the recent millage election) to have a St. Johns school campus (you know, consolidation – get rid of those country schools) they will start closing rural schools which also directly affects parents. End results; hang on to your children’s and grandchildren’s wallets because we (the grandparents) can’t afford it in these times.

They have announced they are closing the East Essex elementary rural school partially because of a budget shortfall. It was also mentioned that they have “security concerns.” Was security a problem last year? If so, what did they do about it?

Please don’t tell me the security problem popped up overnight.

As for the budget shortfall, if we can’t afford the schools we have, how in the hell are we ever going to afford the frills the school board proposed in the recent, but failed, election?

I don’t remember hearing anything about a budget shortfall when the School Board was trying to get $74,000,000.00 out of our children and grandchildren to build more schools and generally upgrade those things today’s technology just can’t seem to fix. If I’m wrong about that, I apologize ahead of time.

The rural schools are at four-corners inside the school district, and I’m sure most if not all the parents out there feel their schools serve their needs quite nicely. For the school board to take that away from them means they’re not listening to the parents’ concerns.

It’s good that two members of the school board had their thinking caps on when the vote to close the East Essex school came up. The remaining five members should have been wearing dunce hats.

If this closing goes through look for the other three rural schools to be closed soon as well, and then look for the school board to ask for a millage vote because of overcrowding in the town schools.

It’s a manufactured problem, and if successful we’ll have no choice.

School boards have yet to come up with a master plan that most of us can’t figure out ahead of time.

It’s probably time to have a school board recall election and vote in somebody who does want to listen to the community and the parents’ concerns.

If we don’t let them know they’re wrong – who will?

* * *

We’ve noticed a few hanging tomato containers around town like the ones they advertised on TV. We decided to try the idea first before paying $20 for one. I made one out of an old pool sand bucket we had left over from our days (bygone) of having an above ground swimming pool.

I drilled small holes in both the top and the bottom and two bigger holes in the sides, 120 degrees apart, for two tomato plants. I needed two grommets for the big holes to protect the tomato plants from the sharp edges of the plastic pail. I bought a foot of clear plastic hose to make them out of. I made a mistake and slit the first 6″ piece of hose on the inside of the curve. The plastic hose had memory (shape) in it from being coiled when it was manufactured. I put it in the hole and a few minutes later it shot across the garage floor. Its memory wouldn’t allow it to stay put in the holes. That’s when the old brain cells kicked in. We used to soak our pool hoses in boiling water to soften them and allow me to clamp them on the pool fittings so they didn’t leak. That’s what I did, and the two pieces not only straightened out but they softened. The homemade grommets worked.

We got some potting soil and planted two tomatoes. I will continue to post a picture on the Indy so you can see its progress. If it produces a reasonable amount of tomatoes, you’ll know. If it ends up looking like a couple of dead grape vines, you’ll also know.

Speaking of grape vines, we used to smoke them as youngsters until we found out that smoking grape vines was bad for our health.

Until the next time . . .

Made in U.S.A., golf, and bitter-batter

by Barry Bauer

Boy, have I got a shocker for you! Because of our recent purchase of a new outdoor gas grill and because it’s bigger, we had to buy a new cover for it. We were in Wal-Mart and looked at some, but we didn’t buy any right then. After measuring our grill I went back and bought the biggest one they had. It wasn’t until I got home with it that I noticed that it was “Made in U.S.A.” I have to admit, I wasn’t looking for that at Wal-Mart.

It’s a good thing I was sitting down when I saw it. The manufacturer is Allen Company, Inc. of Broomfield, CO.

I know that’s a very tiny baby step for Wal-Mart to carry products made in this country, but it’s a start in the right direction.

* * *

Last Friday I went out golfing for the first time this year. It wasn’t pretty. Our cast of characters were Joe Yurek, Lanny Fisher, Ron Horning and me. The first ball I hit went straight down the middle and further than anybody else’s. That isn’t saying much because the air was so heavy the ball wasn’t traveling well for any of us.

As for the opponents pitching onto the green, if it’s short Ron is fond of yelling, “Bite.” Or if it’s long he yells, “Release.” Ron is very competitive in a funny sort of way. He’s also a very good golfer. He’s only let me beat him a handful of times.

My pitches around the green were more like drives. It takes me a while to get back whatever touch I have around the green.

* * *

Dan Glardon – auctioneer

We watched and listened to some of Bernard Neller’s auction sale. We wondered how the sale got over with so quickly until we learned there were two auctioneers going at the same time. One out in the front and one in the back.

Betty asked me how the buyers know what the bid is. I told her that I didn’t know about anybody else, but I ignore all that bitter-batter stuff and just listen for numbers. We didn’t hear any, “Sold American” stuff either.

Bernard has a toy sale coming up in July. There are a few Lionel train sets involved which means I’d better stay home.

* * *

Our garden is tilled now thanks to Gale Rowell and without an incident. No longer am I being dragged across the backyard yelling, “Whoa mule, Whoa.” We already have our cucumbers and red potatoes planted, and we added three more June bearing strawberry plants behind the garage. Strawberries eventually spread by sending out runners, but we’re trying to speed it up a little. Who doesn’t love Strawberry Shortcake on a summer’s day?

In the first year we’re supposed to pinch off any strawberries that set so the nutrients go to the plant. My way of doing that is to take a pair of Edward Scizzorhands shears and wack them off.

Need some work done on your hedges? Call 1-555-1212.

Until the next time . . .

Mowing, free agents, and spark plugs

by Barry Bauer

We mowed our lawn last week for the first time this year. While I was in the front yard with the self-propelled mower making crop circles, Betty was out in the backyard mowing with the rider.

The backyard is at least five times bigger than the front, but Betty makes short work of it. If there was such a thing as a lawn traffic cop, she would have gotten a ton of tickets for speeding by now. I don’t go as fast as she does because my reflexes have gone from .002 of a sec. to about 5-10 minutes.

* * *

My pick to win Celebrity Apprentice, Annie Duke, lost. It’s not that she didn’t do a lot of things right; she just said the wrong thing. She wished Joan Rivers dead, and I think that was too much for Donald Trump.

Geez Annie, that was a little ruthless.

* * *

After last week’s millage election a school official said that maybe they didn’t get their message across. I was kind of hoping that we, the taxpayer, got our message across to them instead. I doubt it though.

Look for another election probably in August and another one next spring if that one fails. Just like the federal government, our voice means nothing to them. I’m sure the school administration will work hard getting their message out again which is, spend, spend, spend.

This isn’t one of those, “we can’t meet the budget,” millage proposal. It’s one of those, “let the good times roll,” things.

The trouble is, when are the good times returning? Don’t ask former employees of Federal-Mogul, GM, Ford, Chrysler, Delphi, Lear Corp. and Johnson Controls who have lost their jobs. They don’t know either.

* * *

I’d like to challenge all those pro football free agents out there who think they’re so damned hot to join the Detroit Lions and show the world you really can make a difference and you’re not simply riding on your teammate’s coattails. It’s easy being a star amongst stars.

It’s a given that a lot of players refuse to come to Detroit because of the Lion’s long-standing reputation as a loser. That will never change unless these football players really do want a challenge.

Hopefully they’ll get the message.

* * *

While cleaning up the garage for the spring clean up I came across a little box containing one lonely spark plug. Probably for one of our lawn or garden machines. That brought back some memories.

In 1962 I bought a set of reconditioned spark plugs at a store that was located in the old Matthew’s Dairy building, downtown St. Johns on Clinton Ave. I think it was called Mini-Mart, but then I couldn’t swear by it. I installed them in my 1955 Ford and thought I was set for a while. Not so, said Fate. On a cold winter’s day the Ford refused to start. I had to hitch a ride to my job as a wash boy and parts chaser at Cain’s Buick, Pontiac, and GMC in downtown St. Johns.

If it weren’t for Alex Feldpausch, who also worked at Cain’s as a mechanic, it would still be sitting there 47 years later.

He took me home from work with a booster battery in the trunk and worked on getting it started. After what seemed like 20 minutes of cranking, it finally fired and then the #@%$&* started. He said I should get rid of those spark plugs and put the old ones back in — which I did. I got my money back for those reconditioned spark plugs and never bought them again.

Ollie Slagell worked at Federal-Mogul on the automatic wall broach machines (we had two of them) and also did car repair on the side in his garage. He was always fond of cleaning old spark plugs and putting them in his cars or somebody else’s car if they asked him to. They used to have a machine that sand blasted spark plugs; and after re-gapping, it made them appear new again.

I heard afterwards that if your car was an oil burner, the spark plugs would collect gunk; and the sand would stick up inside them until installed back in a vehicle and then would dump the sand on top of the pistons causing engine damage.

I don’t know first hand if that’s true or not, but it makes sense to me.

* * *

It’s getting that time of year when we need to start thinking about the garden. Will I drag my rototiller out of the shed and work it up myself, or should we call Gale Rowell who’s done it the past few years?

You tell me.

Until the next time . . .

At it again, coal, and the spring clean up

by Barry Bauer

I can tell you one thing for sure; I’ve been at it again this week. My (not too old) VCR in the den started eating tapes this week. That’s a bad habit you can’t break them of unless you want to spend more than $150 to get it fixed. At least it had the good sense to go to hell just in time for the spring clean up in St. Johns.

We bought our first VCR in 1977, and I won’t tell you what that one cost. I don’t mention the figure around Betty either. It broke down before the warranty expired, so we took it back to the local RCA store and they send it out for repairs. Somewhere between St. Johns and Twilight Zone it disappeared.

Do you suppose I’m snake bit?

The dealer was instructed by RCA to give us a new one, so we ended up with a floor display model. That too went to hell sooner than it should. We had it repaired which cost us too much, but we had a VCR again. Maybe that’s why I’m now allergic to display models, not to mention all of the paper work that comes in the box that seems to disappear.

I’ve lost track of how many we’ve had since then, but electronics are throwaways today.

When we do buy any piece of electronics, it should come with a certificate to send us for a two-year degree at a local college so that we can learn how to operate modern day devices.

* * *

I watched Celebrity Apprentice, and the teams were divided 3 against 2. I wanted Joan Rivers’ team to win and Brande voted off. Then I wanted Joan and Annie teamed together. I could just see the sparks flying now.

Well it didn’t happen; something better did!

It’s Joan vs. Annie in the finale; and don’t forget, Annie is my choice to win.

* * *

There’s a debate going on about using coal to provide energy for the nation. Many feel it’s too dirty and we should stop using it. That’s not a bad idea, but when do these people want to stop it? Next year? Ten years from now? One hundred years from now?

I understand that coal provides as much as 50% of our electricity.

I’m all for those anti-coal people signing up to stop their use of electricity so we’ll be less depend on coal. Me, I’m selfish; I don’t want to live without electricity, so I’m not signing up.

The use of wind turbines has brought on some complaints saying they’re too noisy. We don’t want those ugly things in our backyard. Okay, don’t use wind then. What’s next, solar power? They haven’t perfected or priced them right yet. The use of solar cells in a state that gets about 60 days a year of pure sunshine doesn’t work. The northern states need something else.

Call me weird, but I still remember the smell of burning coal and I liked it. It meant I was warm.

* * *

This week is spring clean up week in St. Johns. That in itself is an interesting story. A lot of people put out their stuff a week ahead of time. I don’t know whether it’s intentional or not, but it gives the “pickers” a chance to look it over before it’s gone on Saturday.

It still holds true that “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.”

Some people just collect things containing metal. They can sell it for money to supplement their income, or maybe that’s their only income. Who knows nowadays?

Some people collect anything that’s wood to be used in the furnace or woodstove for heat in the winter. Others collect things made out of wood or metal just for the furniture value to them.

Some people collect bicycles for a variety of reasons — the metal it contains, or to fix them up and use them because the price is right. Otherwise they might not have one.

I’m not sure the plastic stuff is in big demand; and the porcelain toilets, I’ve yet to see anybody pick one of those up. I guess they’re deadbeat items.

I remember the Federal-Mogul strike in 1979, and we went around town junk picking. We got wood for our fire barrel to keep us warm on those frosty mornings in May. We picked up some easy chairs to rest our weary bones, not because striking was hard physically; it was hard mentally. We also took advantage of the spring clean up.

All in all, things change hands in the spring, and it’s an event to appreciate.

We’ll be busy after this week looking for more things to put out next year so that we’ll be tripping over less stuff in our house and garage.

You have to call it recycling at its best.

Until the next time . . .

A new gas grill, dismantling America, politically correct or is it incorrect and one last thought on the upcoming school millage vote

by Barry Bauer

Does Donald Trump have a favorite before the Celebrity Apprentice started this season? I’ll bet he did. He’s firing people, and I don’t agree with his decisions. My guess is the poker player, Anne, will win.

If I wanted to hitch my wagon to anyone, I would hitch it to Annie. I now think I know the game – and I hate it. It probably won’t play out the way I think it should.

* * *

We’ve been buying new gas grills for years. They’ve been the cheapest grills we could afford, and within a year or two we were always buying replacement parts. The burners rust, the wire grate (even though they’re porcelain coated) rust. To replace these parts consumes more money than the grill is worth. As we all know, it costs many times over to buy a new car part by part than it does just to go out and buy a new car.

It was parts replacement time this year, so we started shopping for a new grill. My apologies (I have to say that nowadays) to the gas grill manufacturers because they’re making them so cheap anymore. And of course they all come from China – at least that’s what I’m betting. (If I’m wrong, call me at 555-1212.) China is our Communist, human rights violator, manufacturing partner to the East – or is it West from where I stand? Why don’t we treat them like Cuba?

I never bought that Michigan is in the Midwest crap in the first place. Just look at the map.

I wanted a cast iron porcelain coated grate with some stainless steel (if only the manufacturer’s logo) and a side burner outdoor grill. A thermometer in the hood would also be nice. The side burner will come in handy for fixing those beer brats or beans with the burgers in hot weather, or fixing fried or poached eggs for that outdoor breakfast on the deck under the umbrella on a sunny Sunday morning.

Quit laughing; you’ve got to try it. We certainly enjoy it.

We finally bought one, but it’s not one of those fantasy grills we guys dream about that comes fully constructed out of stainless steel with a lifetime warranty or two years, which ever comes first; 14 self igniting burners that are guaranteed for six . . . six minutes or six feet . . . whatever comes first. Let’s not forget those four 14″ pneumatic tires and a place for a beer keg. All for only $39.99 monthly easy payments for an awfully long period of time (Don’t tell the Mrs.) and of course no assembly instructions included that will confuse us guys. It assembles itself.

Will I live long enough to pay for that one?

* * *

I have an uneasy feeling about what President Obama and his administration are doing to this country. Don’t call it anything other than what it is; it’s an uneasy feeling. It’s not based on race, a person’s weight, how ugly they are, or anything else we have to worry about saying today.

I’m not sure this country needs to be totally dismantled and put back together again. There must be something right in this country. I know our heart is sound and intact, and certainly we can start from there. I’ve already said that I disagree with how the government is treating the auto industry that produced products they thought the public would buy, and obviously the people bought them while the gas prices were cheap. That’s ours, we the people’s fault.

I would like the government to study, to understand, and to figure out a solution as to why the price of oil and its byproducts have risen as high as they have. Is that so hard to look into? Well yes, if you consider they’ll have to look into the people who’re making a bundle of money from the little guy’s misery (that’s us.) They have more friends in government than we do.

The people in government are supposedly smarter than we are; and if they are, why can’t they govern this country in a somewhat civilized manner? The answer is simple; they’re bought and paid for. I’ve been proposing citizen funded elections PERIOD for a long time now. No outside money anymore because the wrong people are paying for the elections now.

* * *

I’m getting really annoyed with that TV commercial that’s telling us using the word, “gay” is bad. Does that mean we can’t sing the Christmas song, Deck the Halls, which includes the words, gay apparel, anymore? I’m also starting to hate two other words, “politically correct.” That means if you have thoughts that aren’t politically correct, you have to fall in line, become a puppet and not voice your opinion about anything. There is no room anymore for your opinions, right or wrong, in this country. We are slowly and surely becoming censured. That’s because our thinking is flawed according to a very minute minority. We are losing our freedom of speech.

I can imagine a ton of interviews going something like this:

What do you think about the job President Obama is doing?

“No comment.”

What do you think about the woman arrested for a kidnap, murder, and sex crime?

“No comment.”

Do you think left-handers make better hitters than right-handers in baseball?

“No comment.”

What’s your opinion about the “Octomom?”

“No comment.”

Why do Black-Americans make better running backs in football than White-Americans?

“No comment.”

Do you have anything to say at all?

“No comment.”

I’m going out on a limb and say . . . we’re losing it in this country.

Am I politically correct?

I don’t think so, Gram. Keep in mind, censorship will hide the truth.

* * *

I have one more thing to say about the upcoming school millage election, and then I’ll shut up.

The St. Johns school district is the mirror image of what’s wrong with this country. We’re spending the next generation’s money for our gratification today. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong! We’re on that 40/50 year mandate which says, “Any public building over that age has to go.” They seem to forget that it’s not the building; it’s the people inside.

I’ve seen all the letters to the editor in the local newspapers, and a lot of them seem to see a world that we don’t live in anymore.

A lot of letters come from kids who don’t even pay taxes. All they want to do is jump up and yell, “Whoopee,” which is common for young kids because they don’t know what’s coming. It’s not their fault. They’re simply naive. Some of them come from people who don’t even live in this school district, but they’re all for it. Some of them come from teachers who can’t teach unless they have the latest and greatest equipment which makes me wonder how they ever did it in the old days which produced a lot of great Americans.

All I can say to all those people in favor of the new millage is good luck when the bill comes in. Or should I say good luck to your children and ours when they have to pay for your gratification.

* * *

As for the Detroit Lions – the stupidity continues. The Lions didn’t draft for needs, they just drafted. It was a one man draft which means we got Stafford, and after that they didn’t care.

Should we?

Until the next time . . .

I Dreamed a Dream, a franchise quarterback, and a flip-flop

by Barry Bauer

Susan Boyle has more talent than the first round draft choice the Lions will probably make this weekend; (Matthew Stafford, call me at 555-1212 if I’m wrong) and he will sign a contract for over 30 million dollars guaranteed. We should set Susan up monetarily for the rest of her life for having that beautiful voice and the unpretentious manner about her.

She has a lot more value to us then any catch or pass that our 2009 football draftees will give us.

She sang the perfect song for her:

I had a dream my life would be …
So different from this hell I’m living,
so different now from what it seemed…
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed…

Betty asked me to search the Internet for the song, and it wasn’t hard to find.

We’ve watched the replay on YouTube a lot of times, and all I can say is Betty and I couldn’t get enough of it. One of the judges, Amanda Holden, seemed to know right from the start there was something special coming our way and she was Susan’s biggest fan. You could see it in her face. And of course Simon was Simon. We can’t print the one word that best describes Simon, but we can leave you with one idea . . . there is one word we all know.

* * *

For all of the Detroit Lions fans out there I wanted the Lions to draft a left tackle with the first pick. Then I got to see Matthew Stafford on a late TV show, and I think he’s the guy. Don’t asked me why Matthew is except that he’s getting more exposure than anyone else. Keep in mind I was the guy who thought Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers were good picks.

* * *

President Obama apparently did a flip-flop and opened the door on holding the last administration’s personnel legally responible for the “information gathering techniques” we used on terriorist suspects after 911. Some call it torture. I think 911 was torture.

Does that mean we’re going to have Nuremberg type trials here for war crimes? Me, I think it’s all foolish talk. Who are they trying to appease now?

It’s a given that this country attacked the wrong country in retaliation. My number one choice would have been Saudi Arabia. That’s where most of the 911 bombers came from. That’s also where Osama bin Laden came from.

I think our government went into shock after finding out a bunch of terrorist could do that much damage to us and we didn’t know it was coming. Or so they tell us. That’s when our economy went into the dumpsters, and really hasn’t been right since.

* * *

I know I’m getting older but I can’t remember all the Rock/Pop bands looking like that when I was younger. Maybe it’s because some of the faces in the bands have changed after others took their place. I used to enjoy listening to the Four Tops with Levi Stubbs and bought their records. Now when I see them on a PBS program, it’s not the same because three of the four original members have passed away. I’m having a hard time thinking of any band from the fifties and sixties that hasn’t lost a member.

Until the next time . . .

Insensitivity, legacy, and a picture of the Stiletto

by Barry Bauer

I hate it when a reporter on one of the early morning news shows interviews a family member of a person who just met a tragic death. They asked them dumb questions like, “How did you feel when you first heard the news?” Or, “Did you ever think this could happen?”

These people have the sensitivity of a rock.

* * *

I know some people think we’re leaving the next generation a great legacy if we pass the school millage proposal on May 5th. I look at it and see it for what it is. If we pass this thing, we’ll be leaving them in debt. Is that something to brag about? I don’t think so, Gram.

How wrong we must have been all of these years. We always thought we should pay our bills as they come in and never extend ourselves beyond our means.

We were dumb by today’s standards . . . I guess.

The closer we get to the millage election the more we hear the millage salesmen hollering out to us, “Buy now – Pay later!” If it’s such a great thing and is badly needed, why don’t we start paying for it right now?

It’s the same fiscal irresponsibility that got this country in the mess we’re in. We’ve got to quit standing idly by in this country while shrugging our shoulders and saying, “Oh well.” I don’t think our goal should be a bronze plaque in the entrance of yet another brand new school saying, “brought to you by” followed by a few names. I think our goal should be fiscal responsibility. Let’s pay off the debt we have before having more dreams.

Keep in mind, if the millage is defeated the vote will keep returning. It’s called wearing the people down. They give seminars on that.

* * *

I’m glad the three Somalia pirates were finally dealt with. They brought that on themselves, and I don’t feel a bit sorry for them.

Why are we playing around with them anyway? I don’t understand why the shipping nations of the world tolerate this. The Somalia pirate’s navy is more effective than ours and cost a hell of a lot less money. All they have are oversized rowboats with an outboard motor mounted on the rear. Loaded with small arms and some grappling hooks, they’re able to take over any merchant ship and hold them for ransom.

I suggest that instead of using some war ship over umpteen dozen football fields long we might bring in the modern day version of the PT Boat called the, “Stiletto.” It also looks like it can escape radar detection if needed. We should have them all over the Somalia coast. What goes on there will influence what other countries do to us in the future.

We don’t see these boats there do we? Why?

If we need a bunch of them built right now and it appears we do, we should give government contracts to GM, Ford, and Chrysler. We will have them almost immediately.

Just like World War II.

Until the next time . . .

PAC money, a new book, and refrigerators

by Barry Bauer

When our government sits idly by and lets our manufacturing base slip offshore or across the border, isn’t that disarming America? We would not have won World War II without our industries.

Just wondering.

* * *

Through their PAC money the UAW has been a staunch supporter of the Democratic Party. We currently have a Democratic President and a Democratic Congress, but now the Democrats are telling the members of the UAW that they’ve come too far, too fast, and it’s time to go backwards. I can’t imagine that’s setting well with the UAW.

What isn’t “transparent” (President Obama’s campaign word) to the common man and woman is why the Big Three’s employees are being asked to bleed even more than they have already while the financial and insurance institutions on Wall Street are getting bonuses and weekend retreats; and it appears we’re paying for it with the bailout money. Apparently those employees aren’t ask to bleed along with the autoworkers and the rest of us.

Why not?

We’re talking about the Big Three getting less than 20 billion dollars in Bailout money after groveling at the feet of our government’s committee members while Wall Street companies are getting over a Trillion dollars (that’s a thousand billion dollars) and not enough questions are being asked to suit me.

Are we talking about kickbacks in some form here?

* * *

I got another new book for my birthday; but it doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to my daughter, Mindy. The title of the book is, “Between me and you Dad.” It’s a memory book and I’m supposed to fill it out and give it back to Min.

I’m in the process of answering the questions in Microsoft Word so I can edit it before I write it down in the book. I don’t want to screw it up.

For those older kids out there who have never asked questions of their parents about their life, it’s never too late. Because both Betty’s and my parents have passed away, we have nowhere to go with our questions so there’s things we’ll never know.

* * *

I’ll bet the guy who invented the refrigerator didn’t realize its full potential. Long before the digital picture frame came along we had (and still do) our frig to display news articles and photos of our grandkids..

The overflow from the freezer door has ended up on both sides. One side has nothing but purchased or handmade refrigerator magnets, and the other side includes family phone numbers and a bunch of fast food magnets for a quick phone number when we eat via takeout.

* * *

It was fun seeing the Michigan State men’s basketball team advance to the Championship game. I don’t watch them for fear of jinxing them. They lost because they were outmanned. It’s that simple. With Tom Izzo as coach I feel that we’re just another Magic Johnson away from winning it all again.

They say history does repeat itself, so I’m waiting.

Happy Easter!

Until the next time . . .

Taxes, legislators caught again, and my take on war

by Barry Bauer

I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out why it cost us $37 to get an $11 refund on our federal taxes. That sounds like the same voodoo economics that was brought to our attention by the first President Bush.

If they want to stimulate our economy, they should at least let us come out ahead when we get our federal taxes done.

* * *

After watching last week’s news coming out of Washington, we’re left to wonder what came first, campaign contributions or political favors? After seeing our legislators appear in the news last week, I’m sure they’ll be happy to know that they’re keeping right up there with Nadya Suleman. It’s all bundled under the heading: things this country doesn’t need right now.

Whenever we deal with government at any level, we end up asking ourselves who’s serving whom.

I have my suspicions.

* * *

There’s something we can’t seem to get away from — being a warring nation. We’ve spent our blood, sweat, tears and our great grandchildren’s money fighting wars. We finished the last big war in 1945 and practically turned right around and got into the Korean War. We were told, “Our cause is greater than theirs.” What was our cause? We weren’t attacked. All of that mess of course was started by the Japanese long before World War II.

Anyway, we did mop up duties and settled for a truce. Thanks Akihiko.

We got bored once again, so we took a look at Vietnam. The French were over there trying to colonize Indo-China; and those countries didn’t want any part of it, so they fought the French and eventually drove them out. That makes sense to me. But then our government thought we could do better than that, and after ten years of fighting we found out we couldn’t unless we brought in the ultimate weapon. It was their country, their rules, and they won.

We just ended up doing mop up duties after the French. Thanks André.

And of course we got bored again, so we took a look at Iraq. That region was stirred up years ago by the French and British trying to do what they did best, colonize.

Modern day Iraq invaded Kuwait and I have to agree, Iraq needed an escort out of our oil fields. We did that and then we got the hell out. The first President Bush never got enough credit for that. We weren’t there for nation building. Besides those people weren’t interest.

Along comes George W. Bush, and he saw Boogeymen while he was supposedly wide awake; so off to Iraq we went again. So far it’s been a six-year war with no end in sight unless we believe our government.

Can we really do that?

And now Barack Obama wants to add to our woes and chase more Boogeymen in Afghanistan even though it’s no longer a global war on terror. Secretary Clinton said that; I didn’t. We’re back to that age-old question again, what came first, the chicken or the egg? That’s like asking, what came first, Adam and Eve or babies? Anyway, my question is, were they bothering us before we bothered them?

By the way, where is Osama bin Laden?

The Russians spent ten years fighting in Afghanistan until they were chased out of the country. With our help I might add. And now we think we can do better than the Russians.

Because of the Russians, British and the French, we’re doing mop-up duties again. The solution to this whole problem is to physically leave other nations alone. Thanks Alexis, Archibald, and André.

If you really think we should be in a war, how about we attack Mexico . . . again. They’re blaming us for their drug wars and all the killing involved with it because somebody here is making a living running guns across the border and somebody here likes their drugs. Secretary of State Clinton says it’s partially our fault, so we’re sending them some money to make it all better.

Yeah – right.

My solution is to close the border any way necessary and shoot down any unauthorized flights to and from Mexico – without question. That should stop imports and exports of drugs and guns to Mexico. Let them buy the drugs themselves.

War is hell, and most of the time it’s been justified by government lies.

Until the next time . . .

Celebrity Apprentice, Dr. Phil, and books

by Barry Bauer

I have to admit I’ve become a fan of Celebrity Apprentice. What’s not to like about Donald Trump except his hair – at least he’s got some, but I’d fire the comb company. I wondered if the chosen celebrities would be themselves or whether they would put on another kind of show for us. Well, it was half and half. Dennis Rodman, as always, was all about himself. It was that way when he played basketball; and now that he no longer has the talents he once did, so now he had to believe he was on the show because of his Barnum & Bailey style.

“Hey, it’s me!”

I still don’t understand how he survives on the show. Apparently the rest of the guys on the men’s team feel sorry for him. He doesn’t do anything to help; and when they call him on it, he says they’re just singling him out. Just like the teams in the NBA did. Dennis was the bad boy and they all picked on him.

Poor Dennis.

I’ll bet you that Donald Trump talked to the women’s team and told them to dummy up because they were beating the snot out of the men’s team. “This show is going into the dumpster unless you women let up!” That’s what I suspect he told them. He needed the ratings up because more people would be interested in watching the show if the competition was even.

Sure enough, the very next episode the women started acting like the men. “It’s all about me!” That’s the game they played, and that’s the game they lost with.

So what do I think? I want the women to go back to beating the guys until the guys weed out the rest of the dummies on the team. And then I’ll root for each team equally.

I also think Scott Hamilton was fired unfairly. Tom, the comedian, should have been fired instead of Scott. Besides, he didn’t give us laughs anyway.

For handing down that dumb decision Donald Trump, you’re fired!

* * *

As long as we’re on the subject of TV shows, how about I say a word or two about Dr. Phil? I didn’t say a kind word. Where does Dr. Phil find these people? I guess normal isn’t in his vocabulary. These people don’t have a bad day; they have a bad life. Dr. Phil loves it because it puts money in his pocket. He’s like Jerry Springer with a degree in psychology.

It’s a regular freak show. I’d rather watch Ellen Degeneres dance; and believe me, that’s punishment.

And now Dr. Phil has hitched his wagon to Nadya Suleman’s horses, which makes him her enabler – there will be a flood of those who will follow. Who says it doesn’t pay to be strange?

Contact Dr. Phil at drphil.com if you have a problem greater than the normal life the rest of us lead.

* * *

I’ve got a new book to read. It was given to me by Kristy, Ross and Brooke for my birthday. The title id “A Long Way From Home,” by Tom Brokaw. I’ve already perfected Tom’s voice in my mind, so when I read the book it’ll be more like he’s narrating it.

I also have a couple of books on loan from Renee and Scott, and they came from Scott’s dad, Jim. They’re written by Garrison Keillor who’s the creator of A Prairie Home Companion show on radio. We have a few of his tapes, and enjoy the show very much.

* * *

Speaking about radio shows, I still think about the one on radio Sunday mornings (I think) called, Renfro Valley. I can still hear the theme song they sang, but I couldn’t remember the words so I went on the internet.

Take me back to Renfro Valley
When I’m free from earthly cares
Lay me down by Dad and Mother
Let me sleep forever there
When it’s springtime in the mountains
And the dogwood blossom blows
We’ll be back in Renfro Valley
As in days of long a-go

I was a teenager in the fifties during the birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Vaseline hair gel and hip hugging Levis that were pegged when I first heard the show; but I still liked it.

Go figure.

Until the next time . . .

Phone bug, AIG thumbs their nose, and dumb stuff

by Barry Bauer

Because all of us get unwanted phone calls from salespeople or survey takers wanting to know how much money we want to spend or whether we have an opinion about whatever, I’ve come up with a plan. I’m challenging software programmers to come up with an electronic bug for private use. That is if it doesn’t exist already. If it’s okay for our government to do it, it’s okay for us. I’m talking about routing our phone lines through our computer (now possible) and putting an electronic bug on those phones that keep calling us with their worthless stuff. Of course we’ll warn them. All we’d have to do is click on an icon and all phone calls made using their number would be automatically recorded on our computer. We can then get a printed copy of their activities. No ringing phones, no nothing – just a nice quiet little bug.

If people knew that could happen, they would quit bugging us. Yeah I know; they have to make a living – but not in my house.

The reason for all this thinking? I got a phone call from a young lady doing a survey about pain. She called when Ellen Degeneres was about to do her dance. I’ve written about Ellen’s dancing before. I like her show – I hate her dancing. That’s the only reason I gave the young caller my time, and I told her so.

She asked me several questions.

    “First, let me asked you if you know the difference between acute pain and chronic pain?” She followed that question with an explanation of the two types of pain without waiting for my answer.

    “Yes, I’m well aware of the difference,” I answered.

“Do you think we do enough for pain in this country?”

“Nope, people without pain make up all the rules.”

“If you could rate your pain from one to ten what would it be?”

“47.” I think I shocked her.

“Sir, I don’t think you understand. Ten if the pain is bad and one if it’s little or none.”

“I’m 64 years old and you’re right, I don’t understand anything anymore.”

“Sir, could you answer the question please.”

“Okay, 7.”

“How is it on medication?”

“It’s probably a 5.”

“Have you ever tried acupuncture?”

“Nope, but I stabbed myself in the hand once when I was a kid (true).” I wanted to put a little humor into the conversation because Ellen was still dancing.

“Interesting – but let’s move on.” She didn’t find that funny at all.

“How much is your household income?” She started to list a bunch of choices but I interrupted her.

“None of your business!”

“Okay, that’s the last question. Thank-you.” Just in time; Ellen was through dancing.

With that the phone conversation ended, but I sure wish I could put a bug on her phone to drive her cuckoo for a change. Maybe even have a 3-way conversation. Wouldn’t that raise havoc with her?

What I really wanted to do is find out what she was up to.

* * *

After receiving $170,000,000,000 (give or take several billion dollars) bailout money so far, AIG is still going ahead with bonuses for their upper echelon employees. They say they’re bound by contract to do so. They also say if they don’t go through with the bonuses, these employees will either leave or sue them. My questions are, where are they going, if they’re so damned smart why is AIG in trouble in the first place and finally (I hope), shouldn’t AIG be suing them for lack of performance?

Good Lord, are we losing our minds in this country?

GM, who has only received a fraction of that amount of money, is also bound by contract to their employees; but that contract is being renegotiated because their employees don’t have anywhere to go except down.

So what’s the difference? Let me tell you.

Upper class vs. middle class (soon to be lower class). It’s that simple. We know that because we’ve been watching our government treat Bernie Madoff with kid gloves.

Why wasn’t he in jail sooner?

Why weren’t his assets frozen?

* * *

What do I think of President Obama’s performance so far? I think he had all the right answers before he was elected and very few since.

It’s politics as usual.

I like the idea that he wants to call off the Feds in states that have legalized medicinal use of Marijuana (federal law supersedes). I like the idea that he wants to reach out to Cuba. The next thing is, will it ever happen?

What we’ve done to Cuba in the last fifty years is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of – until recently. How can we cozy up to China and not Cuba? Is it because China is financing our national debt?

Until the next time . . .

Car troubles, alias, and I never thought I’d see . . .

by Barry Bauer

You do want me to talk about car troubles, don’t you? Okay, you got it. We had to pay for the replacement of a lower intake manifold gasket on our 1999 Pontiac Grand Am SE just after the car went out of warranty. “Isn’t there an extended warranty on that,” we asked? “Nope,” they said. 600 and some odd dollars later we got our car back.

After that we learned of a class action lawsuit against Dex Cool whose product ate our gasket all to hell. We joined that suit in May, 2008; but we weren’t sure anything would come of it. Just recently we received a settlement check for 2/3 of our cost to repair our car.

Our excitement was short-lived.

Whenever we took our car in for service we complained about noisy brakes. They kept telling us it was normal. Even when we got new tires last year they told us our brakes were fine. Well, the truth is they weren’t. They were noisy and stopped the car like mechanical brakes do. That means we had to stand on them.

We took our car in for an oil change and asked them again to check out the brakes. That’s when we heard a lot of bad news. The brakes needed fixing, the rear coil springs were broke, and our struts should be replaced. The cost for all of this quickly ate up the settlement check we just received and then a whole lot more after that.

We bought the car brand new with the idea that it was going to be our retirement car. It only has 37,000 miles on it, and it still looks good. Hardly a car that needs to be replaced even though it would be a good time to buy a new car.

It looks like I might have to un-retire just to pay for our retirement car. As Chester A. Riley used to say, “What a revoltin’ development this is!”

* * *

We’re at the age when we’re starting to think about where we want to be buried. It’s not a morbid thing; a lot of people are doing it nowadays. It’s a way of taking the burden off the family’s shoulders by pre-planning.

The next thought came up, what about a headstone? Seeing as we’re trying to cut corners Betty came up with a great idea. We’ll buy an alias headstone. Now I know I’ve got you wondering . . . I think. An alias headstone is one that somebody ordered and for some reason never came back for it. It won’t matter if it says, “Here lies Sam and Blanche Smith or Jones.” The monument company will be willing to sell it cheap, and we’ll save some bucks.

If we’re lucky it’ll have a nice picture of a farm that Betty would like, or maybe a golfer on the golf course just after he hit an errant shot into the woods. I’m famous for that.

We’ll be forever remembered as alias Smith or Jones.

* * *

Things I thought I’d never see:

My 21st birthday (when you’re sixteen, that’s a long ways off.)
Man landing on the Moon.
A President as dumb as George W. Bush.
A Federal government that scares the hell out of me.
The closing of Federal-Mogul in St. Johns.
The possibility that General Motors will fold.
The real possibility of another Great Depression.
A Russian economist predicting the collapse of our economy next year (Wow!)
$4 a gallon gasoline (in my day they had gas wars in Ovid and gas was 27¢ a gallon.)

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Tuesday!

Until the next time . . .

Made in the USA, a dumb machine, and the school millage vote

by Barry Bauer

I finally found it! What am I talking about, you wonder? It was something hanging on the wall behind me and above my right shoulder all along. It’s a battery powered clock that says on the back, Made in the USA.

How about that.

* * *

I went to the store the other day to return some cans. The very first can I put in the machine set off an alarm and a flashing screen came up telling me to put the can in bottom end first. I already did that. The cure for this? Turn the can around and put it in top end first. That seems to satisfy the machine for the moment and allowed me to get back to the job of putting cans in.

Machines aren’t so smart.

* * *

While I was hard at work in the den struggling with my computer (trying to beat Solitaire again) I was watching a Rock, Rhythm and Doo Wop show on PBS. They say misery loves company, and it’s the same thing with getting older. The singers from the 50s and 60s have aged a little just like the rest of us, but you know what? They still sound good!

Anyway, they brought back good memories. If this doesn’t make you hang onto your youth and never give up your grip – nothing will.

* * *

I hate to keep hammering away at the upcoming school millage election, but the St. Johns School Board insists. They’ve recently put out a flyer which describes their dream, our nightmare. After I got through reading this stuff, I felt like I had to tear our 40-year old house down and start all over again.

If this millage passes, there won’t be one untouched school building in the St. Johns School district that I know of. This makes some of us wonder, how did it get that bad in the first place? I don’t think it’s as bad as they want us to believe.

We keep hearing bigger and better which leads us to believe we’re the only school district in Michigan not losing students and where no home schooling exists.

Their motto is, “Our kids’ future – our responsibility.” If they’re really worried about our kids’ future, they wouldn’t be spending our kids’ money before they’ve had a chance to earn it.

That’s right, folks; it won’t be our money paying for this. We’re still paying for the last round of “We gotta have new school buildings”

I think they should connect the dots and show us where a new swimming pool or new athletic field is going to lead to students finding a good paying job after high school – keeping in mind that not all students will go on to college.

Or connect the dots and show us why the current high school chemistry lab can’t be better ventilated without having to build a whole new addition.

Or connect the dots and tell us how a new front entrance is going to insure that at least one student goes on to college.

Or educate the students and let them know it’s okay to bump into somebody once in a while. It happens all the time in the real world.

I don’t think we’re here to entertain the students. I think we’re here to educate them. Most of what’s on this millage proposal isn’t about education or even job training. It’s about buildings, and sports.

We should keep in mind that there is a prophesy that says the United States will spend itself to death, and we’re well on our way.

Until the next time . . .

Crooks, Suleman, and a repeat of a repeat

by Barry Bauer

As if we didn’t have enough bad news in this country, they have to tell us Socks, the White House cat during the Clinton administration, has died.

Did we really need to hear that?

* * *

Believe it or not there are some people in this country who know what’s going on. Unfortunately they’re the ones trying to take us to the cleaners. I’m so damned mad at our government for letting this happen, and you’d better believe they did. All they do is shrug their shoulders and say, “Oh well.” People in high positions either in government or the private sector need to live up to a standard or spend the rest of their lives in jail with the rest of the crooks. Unfortunately we’ll never see that. Everything has gone to hell in this country, and it’s nobody’s fault.

Where is the accountability? Shouldn’t somebody go to jail? These people are bigger crooks than the ones we have in prison now. At least those people only ruined a few people’s lives and not thousands.

Today’s buzz word is transparency. That’s another joke played on the American people. There will be no transparency, believe me. It’ll be the same old smoke and mirrors and the continuation of their asinine rendition of the dog and pony show.

I have a solution to this problem. In order to correct what’s going on in this country today we need to elect four new Senators, one each from India, Japan, China and Mexico. Never mind the law; we can skirt it. Everybody else in government does. We’ll just simply tell them that the four new Senators will do a better job for less money and no benefits.

If we hit those people right between the eyes, do you think we can get their attention?

* * *

I’ve got it figured out now – I think. Nadya Suleman, mother of the California octuplets, has a master plan; and while that plan goes into action she’s having some fun with us.

The plan begins with a little financial help from the taxpayer in the form of welfare and other handouts. Then comes the book about her life that will eventually be turned into a made-for-TV movie. All of this will bring in money. There’s also a reality show on TV involving sextuplets, so octuplets have to draw more viewers.

Will she ever pay for what’s estimated to be at least a million dollar hospital bill?

Nope.

We’re all under the Big Top with Suleman as the Ring Master – and the band played on.

* * *

I wrote the following in 1983; and it appeared in the 925 Press, a local UAW publication. I’ve used it before, and I think it’s worth repeating.

So often we hear about someone who’s shopping for a new car and thinking of buying an import instead of one made here in the United States. The reasons given range from being cheaper, better quality, gas mileage, or simply, the mystic of owning a foreign car, even though the American car has become competitive in most cases.

The economy depends largely upon the products of all our industries being bought and sold and when we don’t buy from them and instead go to an overseas competitor, we break a link in our own economic chain.

We must, to a large degree, purchase products of our own making to insure that we and not someone else controls the fate of our economy. People in government, education, farming, merchandising, steel manufacturing, automotive parts, and housing, bring hard times to themselves by failing to do so.

Our trade deficit with Japan was $14.4 billion for the year ending March, 1982 and that means while we are supporting a happily employed Japanese worker who’s not buying our products, we are creating a very unhappy and unemployed American worker.

That same worker will not be able to buy other American made products causing still more workers to become unemployed.

While we are not arguing the right of anyone to buy imported vehicles, noting that foreign trade can be mutually beneficial, we do think in a case where such trade is one-sided, where people in the auto industry are laid off because of it, that we need to wonder how much that so called cheaper imported vehicle is costing us!

This article was about the events of the time and does not take into account today’s failed government policies and greed that runs rampant throughout our financial institutions and our corporations. While we give them bailout money without question, they thumb their noses at us and hold lavish parties anyway.

To paraphrase Winston Churchill, how could so many things go so wrong in so little time? At least it seems that way.

Until the next time . . .

Conan, Travel Channel, and the Stimulus Bill

by Barry Bauer

I’m just wondering; does NBC really think Conan O’Brien is better than Jay Leno? It must be a generation gap thing because O’Brien seems awfully weird to me. I just don’t get his humor.

* * *

I like to watch Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel. They’re both former working chefs and both in the pursuit of food all over the world. While Tony has a taste for more conventional foods like a good steak, Andrew likes to grab a bug or grub once in a while, or maybe a handful of ants.

Yuck!

“They have a lemony taste to them,” Andrew exclaims after eating some beetles. One of these days he’s going to tell us after eating some god-awful looking thing, “That tastes like mom’s apple pie.”

Even though Anthony has a keener palate than Andrew he has a capacity for more booze than I thought possible. After a late night of drinking and eating some good looking meals, we’ll find him wearing shades on a cloudy day and walking very gingerly.

If that were me, nobody would hear from me for three days.

Andrew always wonders what the other guy eats; he doesn’t care what it is or where it comes from, he’s willing to try it once. One thing that didn’t add up to me was he’ll eat bugs, but he hates Spam.

Give me some fried spam and eggs any day — or as we call it, a poor man’s steak and eggs for breakfast.

By the way, Hawaiians love Spam.

* * *

Now that the Stimulus Bill has been signed into law I think a lot of people are going to be disappointed with the results. It’s not planned to help overnight but over the next few years. Does that mean they’ve written off the people who can’t survive this economy today let alone tomorrow?

I don’t know, but it seems that way.

I haven’t read the entire Stimulus Bill yet, and it doesn’t sound like anybody else has either. The politicians depend on their advisors to read it. Depending on whom you listen to the package is either 700 pages long or over a 1,000 pages; and if a bunch of lawyers wrote it, which I think they did, the common man will never understand it.

We are supposed to be able to track it online at Recovery.gov. That is if you don’t have to hock your computer to make a house payment.

Meanwhile, how do we know the Stimulus Bill is working? It’s quite simple; just ask yourself if you’re able to start spending money again. That will be the first and THE major indicator.

If the answer is no, that’s not a good sign.

* * *

Because we don’t go to the movies, we’re spending our kid’s inheritance on DVDs, especially the ones of the TV show, Gunsmoke in its early years. It beats watching some of the poorly written TV shows we have today.

Season no. 1 just came Wednesday, so we’ll have some more good TV to watch.

* * *

I’ve been going through a ton of old negatives by scanning and saving them. I feel like I’m looking into other people’s lives without having known them. I have a lot of photos I can’t use because I don’t know who they are or what their story was.

The photo of the guys and wagon above is an example of one of them.

Until the next time . . .

The Lions, cabin fever, and Valentine’s Day

by Barry Bauer

I’ve lost interest in the NFL Pro Bowl played in Hawaii last Sunday. How come? The Detroit Lions didn’t have anything close to a starter other than maybe a 3rd alternate. (That means he plays after women and children.) That comes from an old thing I used to joke about. In the past if you flunked the physical for the military you were classified as 4F (which later become 1Y.)

And of course a former Lions defensive tackle made it as a reserve. Does that mean anything to us? Nope. When I think of Shaun Rogers, the words, dogging it, comes to mind. Even with that hanging over his head he still made his third Pro Bowl.

Some guys just can’t play for the Detroit Lions. Let me correct myself. Most guys can’t play for the Lions.

We’ve had a long list of them including Herb Orvis, Al ‘Bubba’ Baker and Jerry Ball.

The NFL draft is coming up in April which prompted me to look at past drafts. I found such memorable names as Alfonso Boone, Luke Staley, Matt Murphy and Blue Adams. Obviously we don’t have very good luck drafting players. They all seemed to have disappeared into the Twilight Zone, never to be heard from again. Or as it is officially known as the Detroit Lions.

I love the Detroit Lions but some days they’re a test.

* * *

We are into the season when we are affected by something called Cabin Fever. That’s when our outdoor activities are limited and we don’t receive the benefits of sunshine. It’s that sunshine hormone we’re lacking. I like to call it the Abe Lincoln syndrome. Think that’s unfair? I don’t.

Abe’s birthday is today, February 12th, and we’re reminded that our most beloved President went through some awful times during his stay in the White House. I’m learning more all the time about what he went through.

I read a lot about Abe when I was young. What school kid hasn’t? The historians today discuss whether Abe and Mary were depressed during the later years of their life. It sure sounds like they were.

All of this brings me to the subject of George W. Bush. What the hell ever happened to him? It’s like he dropped off the face of the earth. Coming from a position of that much power down to where he is now has to have taken its toll on ol’ George.

He’s probably still barking out orders into space somewhere because there’s nobody here on earth listening to him anymore, and Laura is probably saying to herself, “Oh brother.”

Even though I understood that a lot of people wanted to hold Richard Nixon accountable for what he did while he was in office, I will always agree with Gerald Ford who pardoned him. I think the same way he did out of respect for the office of President and not the man. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold people accountable, but let’s not drag down the office of President. We need to value some things in this country.

There are those people who are now talking about George W. in the same terms.

Phooey. It’s like beating a dead horse.

* * *

We are now seeing smaller melted piles of snow that are completely gray and completely dirty. Betty always hates that because she likes things clean, fresh and new again.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and it seemed like no later than 24 hours after a snowfall we had gray snow. The culprit, coal fired furnaces and living across the street from a factory which gave us the means to live the way we did in those days. When you’ve experienced the smell of burning coal, you’ll never forget it. It meant there was warmth in the house.

Never mind the clinkers. Dad dealt with them.

Nowadays the air is a little cleaner, so maybe we have to blame gray snow on something else.

* * *

One more thought: if there is such a thing as accountability, the fertility doctor who made the recently born octuplets possible should receive in his mailbox very soon, the hospital bill.

* * *

A Valentine’s Day card from the 1950s. Happy Valentine’s Day folks.

Until the next time . . .

Change, the newest New Deal, and Unforgiven

by Barry Bauer

I know we’re only a few days into the Obama administration, but it looks like politics as usual. It sure doesn’t look like change to me.

Wasn’t that the promise?

So far there have been problems with three cabinet nominees. A couple of them had problems paying their taxes which are required of all Americans. When the little guy ignores his taxes, it’s a crime. When cabinet nominees or government officials do it, it’s an oversight. Gov. Bill Richardson had to decline his nomination as Secretary of Commerce. It had something to do an investigation by a federal grand jury that is looking into possible wrong-doings by Richardson over favors for campaign contributions.

They don’t still do that, do they?

That brings up two questions. Is there one honest person in Washington, and are these the same guys who chastised the Big Three auto companies while giving the financial institutions an uncontested handout?

* * *

The stimulus package going through Congress looks more like a piece of pork barrel legislation than a stimulus package. Every member of Congress seems to have their pet projects to show their constituents they’re on top of things. Horse Slippers!

I expect the Bridge to Nowhere to show up on the stimulus package any minute now.

New money is proposed for colleges, but the truth is that there are a lot of unemployed people in this country with college degrees. It’s argued that if we did spend money in that area, we’ll have the most educated burger flippers of our time. It’s more about creating jobs and not about educating people for jobs we don’t have. Not everybody can be a brain surgeon.

People in government say the institutions getting bailout money don’t get it. Well I’m here to say that they don’t get it either.

I’ve been listening to economists who argue that government intervention during the Great Depression lengthened it, and the only thing that brought us out of the Depression was World War II. That’s because the War actually did create jobs. The New Deal didn’t stimulate the country as much as it made us more dependent on big government.

We should have known that when the nameplate, Oldsmobile, disappeared from the assembly lines we were in for some bad times. My grandfather’s Oldsmobile wasn’t just a car; it was a way of life and a good one at that.

We’re losing it folks.

* * *

I taped a movie called Unforgiven last week, and we watched it at a later date. It was a western with Clint Eastwood, a.k.a. Rowdy Yates; so how could we go wrong? Neither one of us remember having watched the movie before.

Because guys know everything, I didn’t bother to look it up in the TV schedule. I just set the VCR for two and one-half hours. Well, we watched it; and the movie ran past the normal time of two hours. In fact we watched the whole two and one-half hours I taped, and the movie still went on after the VCR stopped recording.

Betty was giving me that look that wives give their husbands when they’ve done something dumb.

Oh crap, now what do I do?

I think we’ll have to finish the movie the next time it’s on TV. It’s surprising how many times a movie hits the small screen in a year’s time. I’ve also rented movies before when I’ve screwed up.

I might end up doing the same thing with this movie.

* * *

We are now in what is called the dead of winter. That’s the period between New Year’s Day and spring which is commonly known to some as the start of golf season. I know a few Michiganders who are ready to go right now.

Whoa, just a minute; I have to tell them. It’s still early.

I have a friend who’s ready to go to the Okemos Dome right now, but at my advanced age I want to wait a little bit longer. Otherwise I’ll forget all the things I re-taught myself. That’s right; I have to learn the game all over again every year.

Don’t laugh; this could happen to you.

Until the next time . . .

Bankruptcy, cameras, and irritating suspense

by Barry Bauer

I have a great idea to put this country back on its feet again. We should declare bankruptcy. Seeing as most of our national debt was incurred since we went global, it only makes sense that the rest of the world should bail us out. All of the wars, nation building, and supporting other countries’ economies instead of our own, have taken their toll on our national checkbook; and yet nobody seems to be worried about it.

I sure as hell am.

* * *

Cameras, like everything else, will wear out eventually. I know a couple of professional photographers who, when they feel the need, order a new camera and move the old one down the ladder to a position as a backup.

There are five things you don’t do as a professional photographer. You don’t go on the job with old cameras; you don’t take just one camera with you; you don’t leave home without fresh batteries; if you’re shooting film, you don’t leave home without several rolls of film; and if you’re using a digital camera, you take an extra memory card just in case.

Me, I’m not a professional. But I still have pride in what I do; and when the time comes, I move on to another camera.

That’s what happened this week. I suddenly had problems getting my camera to turn on. Batteries, I thought. Not so, said the camera; I’m just plain worn out. The on/off switch was biting the dust.
After 13,000 pictures taken, my camera showed major signs of retirement; so that’s what I did.
It owes me nothing.

I told Jean that only 1 or 2 photos out of a hundred are gems. That doesn’t mean that amongst those 98 remaining photos there aren’t some photos that are good to use. I think photographers think in terms of award winning photos. That is why we keep shooting, and shooting, and shooting.

Some day I may win the Pulitzer Prize in photography. And then again, I may become the first person to land on Mars.

It’s just a dream, folks.

* * *

I hate movies that I call an irritating suspense movies. No matter what happens, the bad guy is always there. They seem to know every move the hero or heroine makes.

I can just imagine the heroes going into a house they’ve never seen before in their lives trying to get away from the bad guy. That’s when they use the bathroom, and he’s standing in the shower.
How in hell did he know they were there? Oh — that’s right — he read the script.

The latest irritating movie was The Last Templar on NBC, and it was in two parts. That usually means it contains a lot of what I call filler. They deviate from the gist of the movie to show the heroes falling in love which only complicates things because now they really have to worry about each other.

As for those magical bad guys in the movie — let them go find Osama bin Laden. He may not have a shower to hide in his home cave, but I’m sure they’ll think of someplace to show up and get him.

Just read the script.

Until the next time . . .

Zippo, flood insurance, and 60 Minutes

By Barry Bauer

Had I been selected as the new head coach of the Detroit Lions instead of that other guy, I would have had an inspirational idea to light a fire under them. It’s a commemorative Detroit Lions cigarette lighter made by Zippo.

The trouble is I can’t even light a match with it because it doesn’t have any fuel. Do you suppose that’s what those other coaches have been using?

Just wondering.

* * *

Betty has caught a bad habit from me. She likes to flick through the channels on TV. There goes my remote control.

Last Sunday I asked her, isn’t that show about football you just flicked by?

She replied, “It’s just a bunch of guys blabbering.”

Guys blabbering? I never heard of such a thing!

So what did I do? I went back to the den to watch football and work on my Indy stuff. Betty probably ended up on the Food Network.

* * *

I e-mail my friend, Sharon, at Houghton Lake every week. Because I wrote about the Tip-Up-Town Festival at Houghton Lake last weekend and this coming weekend, we got into talking about cars that went through the ice over the years.

She recalls a guy named Sohn who drove out on the ice with passengers and went through the ice. They all drowned. He was in the laundry business and may very well have been related to Clem Sohn, our local aviator and parachutist who plunged to his death in France.

Another guy she told me about had a brand new Cadillac and went through the ice. He had a bucket of minnows on the floor in the back seat; and when they winched his car to shore, he was more worried about the minnows than he was his car.

The last I knew, people whose cars go through the ice are not covered by their car insurance. Maybe they should have gotten flood insurance.

Is that possible?

* * *

I had to go to the Doctor’s office to have blood work done.

I like to tease the young girl who draws blood that I’m a fainter. I didn’t tell her that this time, but I did the last. She said she thought I look familiar and asked, “Didn’t I see you at the pizza place?”

I don’t think so.

Then she thought for a minute and said, “Oh, you’re that guy on the internet.”

She kept asking me if I was okay, and I asked her if there was some place I could lie down. She looked at me kind of funny and asked again, “Are you okay?”

Yup, just teasing ya.

She was having a bad day and had to poke me twice. She also had to poke the patient before me twice. I told her I would help her out. When I leave I’m going to run out the door screaming, and you won’t have to worry about anymore patients today.

* * *

I hope you had a chance to watch 60 Minutes two Sundays ago. If not I’ll try to fill you in.
They did a segment on why the cost of a barrel of oil went up so high last summer. They found out that the demand for oil went down and the supplies went up. That condition suggests the cost of oil should have gone down.

All of the fingers pointed to our government’s deregulation in 2000 of institutions that invest billions of dollars on behalf of their investors or patrons. One company mentioned was Enron that was big enough to request a longer leash and got it. As we all know, they went under. Investors and speculators are the main suspects in the rise of the cost of oil. People out to make a fast buck at the expense of others.
Some of those same institutions are also on the bailout list today.

They ripped us off — now we have to bail them out.

Doesn’t seem right does it?

Until the next time . . .

Chrome, a shower faucet knob, and GM

Do you have the same problem I do after watching that Cymbalta commercial? It’s the music…it’s so damn depressing. It makes you feel like you need to see your doctor right away and tell him, I’m depressed Doc!

Don’t worry. After a few minutes into whatever show is following the commercial, you’ll be right as rain again.

* * *

Can’t our government do anything right? Now we hear that they’re running out of money to provide coupons for people who need a converter box to continue watching their TVs.

Now there’s talk about postponing the switch to digital until they can come up with more money to keep providing the $40 coupons.

That makes sense to me.

We got two coupons and bought digital converters and gave them to our daughter and son-in-law, Renee and Scott. I hope they know that if anything goes wrong with our cable, we get to go out and watch their TV and I get the remote control.

* * *

Whatever happened to chrome on cars? I remember that 1958 Buick Specials and those 1950s Cadillacs had a ton of chrome and looked like a million dollars. Especially those with black paint jobs. My 1965 Grand Prix even had chrome on the inside of the car.

I still dream about that car.

Part of the reason for not using chrome as much anymore is safety. It reduces the glare inside of automobiles and what other drivers see (glare) coming at them on the road. Another reason may be that chroming involves dangerous chemicals.

Federal-Mogul used to chrome tooling subject to wear and galling. They eventually found another way to solve the problem and got rid of the chroming room.

* * *

This year’s two week Tip-Up-Town at Houghton Lake takes place January 16-18 and the following weekend, January 23-25.

My first Tip-Up-Town was six years after it first became a winter festival. It was just a one weekend event back then.

As you can see by this picture, I didn’t have a very good camera back then.

I tried to rectify that problem since then.

They had a simple parade with simple floats. Mort Neff came up and tried to give everybody’s secret fishing hole away. My Aunt never liked that guy even though she appeared on his show one time which was filmed during Tip-Up-Town.

* * *

I teased my newest son-in-law, Ross, about breaking the shower knob in the bathroom during the Christmas holidays. In reality it just broke from years of use. Call it fatigue if you will. As my granddad used to say, we used it well — only he was talking about a guy.

What does a computer guy do to remedy the situation? He gets on the internet which is exactly what I did. Within a week’s time I had a new knob for our shower faucet.

An attempt to buy it locally proved fruitless even though they had plenty of other knobs. Just not the right one. In Gill-Roys’ defense they are the most valuable store in town.

At least to me.

Now what am I going to do to prevent this from ever happening again? I’m going to order backups for the knob and the valve (they’re on their way.) It beats the hell out of paying over three-hundred dollars to have the faucet replaced. The problem is they’d either have to go through a recent shower renovation (without a new faucet — my fault) or they’d have to cut an access door through the wall in the hallway.

Hopefully, I’ve avoided all of this.

* * *

The American tax payers just got a slap in the face from General Motors after we backed the loans to keep GM afloat. What did these intelligent people do? They announced they’re having one of their newest models built in Mexico.

Mexico reported that their car production increased last year while ours went down — way down. Doesn’t GM owe this country something instead of giving business to Mexico? Any new vehicles produced in Mexico, or anywhere else after the bailout should be labeled, “It’s illegal to sell this vehicle in the United States of America.”

Let the Mexicans buy them.

Until the next time . . .